Harry Potter and the AzN Spawn of Voldemort
by Estelijah Greenwood
Summary: Kinky multipartnered sexcapades, coupled with deliciously unorthodox humor, a dash of badgers, and many teaspoonfuls of sweet, sweet, silly sin. Included are delicious crossovers! This will greatly amuse you, otherwise we will have to kill you. Cheers!


Esteladuial: Well, people, we are back. This time with a Harry Potter fic! However, unfortunately for you, we've still got our terrible sense of humour. Poor you. Crambo rocks my world! Who the fuck is Crambo, you ask? Well…screw you! You'll find out later. I think. Um…yeh. Orlijah's author's notes, then:

Orlijah: Dreamed up during a half conscious, highly intoxicated state late, late night, early, early morning on the 'fellytone' with our counterparts. This fic, even in its excrutiatingly 'wacky' state, is solemnly dedicated to the beloved Sirius Black, whom inspiration was drawn from for this bit of fiction.

Disclaimer: Harry Potter characters belong to JK Rowling, you prats. Also, keep in mind that we are not racist: we are simply racially aware. Anyone who doesn't realize this will have to masturbate with a badger, and keep in mind that they have very long claws, so if you don't mind getting your nob torn off, then go ahead then. Go on. Try it. WARNING!!!! THIS IS HIGHLY RACY HUMOUR!!! IF YOU CANNOT TAKE A JOKE, DO NOT READ!!! INCLUDES ELEMENTS OF SHEER RIDICULOUSNESS & PARODY, PARODY, PARODY!!!! DON'T READ IF YOU'RE A TIGHT-ASS WHO ENJOYS FLAMING ANYTHING THAT IS TO THEIR SLIGHT DISLIKE!!!! (UNLESS YOU ARE DRACO MALFOY, WHEREAS THAT WOULD BE AN EXCEPTION...) 

So it begins…

Harry Potter & The AZN Spawns of Voldemort 

Ch. 1 

One-uh sunny day, ina Di-agohn Alley, eh, Hahrry, Rohn, & Hermyonee walkde along, buying de schoo supplyz yii de mahngoez & da plumes anda shuga canedey need for de Hogawarts…..

*******

You hopelessly racist people! If you thought that was actually how we were gonna write the whole story, you've got another thing coming. Not all Asians talk like that! Estelijah have sadly mastered the American accent, having lived here for most of our lives. Esteladuial is now venturing to improve her sad versions of the British and Scottish accent, and Orlijah….well, she's just nutters, so whatever. Orlijah says, "orlijah has sum complaint that 'nutters' is also too 'white' sounding...she let's just say she's plain unbelonging in this ruddy country that's driving her poor mind out of its wits, not that it had many to begin with..." Yes another thing, Orlijah has now developed a knack for saying how everything sounds white. Keep out for that, will you? Now back to the real story:

'Twas a bright sunny day at Diagon Alley. Harry, Ron, and Hermione were bustling about, buying school supplies and things for their final year at Hogwarts.

"Hm…I'm a bit thirsty, how about we pop in the Leaky Cauldron for a drink?" said Ron. The others agreed. 

The chit-chatty threesome swung open the door with its tinkling bells and were greeted with quite a gruesome sight - none other than their good friend Hagrid sat there, shit-faced drunk, and upon taking a sip of the fire whiskey he received, uttered "OOOOooOOH!" in a very high pitched, girly voice that would rival even that of Cho during a hissyfit aimed towards a *certain* Gryffindor.

The threesome sauntered over and sat themselves upon chairs around Hagrid's table. 

"Wow! That's a lot!" Ron exclaimed, exuberantly gesturing at the three empty tankards and one that Hagrid was proceeding to take a gulp of. With a brisk wipe of his mouth, he began to tell them "I wen' ter the baker's one day, ter find the little jam doughnut, but he said 'I can' get yer tha' shit," because he is SO MUCH FUN!" Hagrid proclaimed, hiccupping and slamming down his tankard down onto the table, drenching Harry in a sticky, bittersweet, but oh-so-lickable liquid.

"Oi, Hagrid!!! You bloody drunk half-man!" 

"Whaddya mean, half-man? I'm a _whole_ man! See here!" Hagrid retorted, reaching down towards his humongous trousers.

"No, Hagrid! Before you go any further!" he was only stopped by Hermione's quick _Immobulus_ charm. 

"Eep!" Hagrid uttered in surprise. "I was jus' tryin' ter prove ter 'arry here tha' I was a _full_ man! "

"Yes, yes, we know that fact quite well by now, Hagrid," Hermione said, remembering those times they 'accidentally' spotted the huge man, indeed, in his pool sized tub taking a bath with his gigantic rubber ducky & little boat floating among the bubbles of the Mr. Bubbles Bubble Bath variety. 

"Would ye mind takin' that charm off so I can get back ter me drinkin'?" Hagrid replied grumpily, perturbed by the loss of his kindly alcohol companions. 

"Ooh, sure thing, Hagrid. Sorry bout that! _Finite Incantatem!_" 

"OOOooOOOoohh! That's better!" Hagrid ejaculated from his mouth with a flourish and went immediately back ter drinking. 

"We aren't going to get much of a conversation out of this drunken bloke-'sides random ejaculations & such!" Ron commented, nudging Harry & Hermione.

"Let's leave these parts then," Harry suggested, standing up to leave, only to have his grand departure interrupted by Hagrid's obnoxious hearing incapabilities.

"Pot?! Where?! I wan' some pot! Give it ter me!" Hagrid shouted, thrusting his hands at them, in a vain attempt to obtain his 'pot'. 

With that the threesome gallivanted out of the Leaky Cauldron, leaving Hagrid who was now singing, "Badgers, badgers, _badgers_, **_badgers_**, **_BADGERS_**!!!" in an increasing higher pitched crescendo.

~*Meanwhile at Malfoy Manor*~

"So I says to my fellow Death Eater therapist last week, 'Your weakness is only truly found once your place in life is, as well,' and he turns to me and says, 'Lucy, darling, I think you've had one too many cocktails this evening, I think you should go lie down, rather than get sweet old Voldemort all worked up if you were to come down with some sort of illness...'" Lucius drawled, swirling his Martini amidst a conversation with his only son.

"Father, I think you ought to follow that bit of advice right about now," Draco suggested, reaching over from his place on an armchair to take his father's martini.

"Why, Draco, if you wanted a Martini, you could have just summoned a house-elf," Lucius said, moving away from his son's urgent hand, downing the martini in one gulp, suckling upon the remaining olive.

Draco sighed audibly, leaning back into his squashy chair. "Please father, no more for you tonight. We wouldn't want you looking like a filthy rich prat who's got nothing better to do all day than get themselves shit-faced drunk; rather closely resembling that damned muggle designer, Donatella Versace, now would we?" Receiving no response from his highly intoxicated father, he continued, teasingly. "Mother's not going to want to go to bed with someone that resembles a troll in a blonde wig…Nor is she going to be pleased when she finds out you traded a pair of her designer shoes for a jewel encrusted bong."

"Dear, dear, Draco. 'Twas an anniversary gift for your mother! You can't blame me for wanting to show my lovely wife a simple gesture of our love," Lucius countered, finally setting down his glass, only to pour himself another.

Draco sighed very audibly at this, as he was uncertain of his father's hearing abilities in his state. He mumbled exasperated, "You're a Malfoy, father-you don't love anyone, nor have the capacity to do so. You've been bred as an evil, Dark Lord ass-kissing, self-righteous, spoiled git-and so have I," he finished on a lower note. This was a strict fact his father taught him many years ago, as to uphold the Malfoy family honor. He had never quite fully accepted it, but nonetheless obliged to his father's wishes, for now.

"The only ass I kiss, is my own-thank you very much, Draco my babe. And as for the rest of that babble-I'll have to admit to being true, except for loving your mother. By God, who wouldn't love a ferocious, very _fine_ piece of half-Veela ass like that, eh?" Lucius replied, swirling his drink around. Draco looked at him in petrified disgust, not wanting him to venture any further on that subject, however, much to his chagrin, 'Lucy' kindly continued, still swirling, "I mean, if it weren't for the fact that I'd mostly likely _kill_ you if you ever laid a finger with non-innocent intentions on my wife; I'd say you'd jump at the chance to have a go with her, or perhaps just plain _JUMP ON HER!!" _Lucius executed, swirling madly at the feisty images going through his mind of possible ways to jump Narcissa. Unfortunately for him, Draco's instinct had luckily been intelligent enough to tell him to promptly leave right as he heard the words 'laid a finger' come his father's overactive mouth. He managed to escape into the hallway, shutting the door firmly behind him, knowing full well that his father would barely notice his absence. 

"I've got to get away from here, before I start going on drunken rants about ferocious _Veela-asses_ like him! Besides, Heaven knows I prefer _Asians_…" 

~*Meanwhile at Kuso Shite Shinezo School of Witchcraft & Wizardry in Japan*~

~*Two students prepare for their leave for Hogwarts School of Witchcraft & Wizardry*~  

Two companions of the obviously Asian sort ambled down the steps from their beloved wizarding school. The taller, tanner Asian, clad in her Asian Muggle clothes with strange variations of "English" words on it. This particular shirt was blue with the words 'Poop Dog' scrawled interminably all over it, coupled with phrases such as 'I love my Poop Dog' and 'I love to take care of my Poop Dog'. [Orlijah's a/n: You may not be very familiar with these strange articles of Asian wannabe American clothing if you have never traveled & intermingled with people of those countries] This was worn with a white skirt and chunky blue sandals.

Her shorter acquaintance, who was in the midst of cackling evilly, bore on her 'yellow' body [Esteladuial's a/n: Yellow as in **Asian**, people, not jaundice] a pair of knee-high, black, lace-up boots, black baggy pants with a grand multitude of pockets and zippers, and a black tank that had her favorite band Crambo on it arranged in an array of pictures & band logo on the back. The **_TIPS _**of her long hair were an electric blue colour, and she blinked her creepy blue eyes. Her friend stopped short when she laid eyes on their what was to be their form of transportation across the seas from Japan. 

"What the fuck?! Sensei Mitsubishi told us we were to have _proper _rides out of Kuso Shite Shinezo!" She cried, incredulously.

"What? Scooters pulled by flying badgers aren't _proper_ enough for you?" the exceedingly promiscuous Raven Nguyen remarked, quirking a bushy, but sexy  eyebrow [Esteladuial's a/n: If you don't know about this, be glad]. 

She then promptly waltzed over and straddled the head badger with the more vertically gifted Jade following reluctantly. She chose instead to mount the nicely cushioned scooter, as she was less wanton about certain things. She simultaneously made a mental note to conjure up some wontons to eat as soon as they landed for a break.

"Up, up, and AWAY!" Raven cried out, smacking the badger's rear end and yelling, "To Hogwarts School of Witchcraft & Wizardry where hot, chucklicious guys get laid!"

"Oi, what a mouthful," Jade muttered under her breath.

"I heard that! Oh, and I'm quite used 'mouthfuls' by now, if you get me…" the devious Raven declared with a mischievous grin.

Jade, with a purely pained expression, buried her head in her hands, leaning on the scooter handle.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~*~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

So, mateys that is how it begins, tell us wutcha think, and we'll get back to you with the next chapter as soon as possible. 

Many promises of more ridiculousness & random funniness in further chapters!! Please review! And if y'all gots the nerve to flame, we say GO AHEAD! Cuz at least it makes us look like we got more reviews & also cuz WE DON'T GIVE A BLOODY SHITE!!!

AHAHA!! If you liked this terrible piece of shite….you're creepy. Yes, the flames are welcome, we really don't mind, they're all reviews anyway. Reviews=good. I am a spooty badger. Kamikaze bunnies slap me with spoons. Longer and harder. Dutch Ice Boy….ooh, for pictures, go to . This is sexy-eyebrowed Esteladuial Greenleaf, signing off…


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